Learning To Love

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Join me today with Immy, a pragmatic and loving teen, who can now cosset the perfect imperfections she used to destroy herself with...

WARNING: This story mentions self-harm and suicide.

Learning To Love:

Immy is a 16-year-old school-leaver, who is perceived as comical and confident by many. This may be how she feels today, however, ever since she was young, she has been fighting her reflection and trying to seel the cracks in the mirror:

"I think the obsession with how I looked started young. I remember sitting in front of the mirror, pushing back my ears, pulling at my skin, hunching up my shoulders and tugging at my hair. I wasn't happy with how I looked and I couldn't help but compare myself to friends, beautiful, feminine girls who were small and pretty."

Forcefully moulding her youthful clay, this necessity for being something other than herself only got more detrimental:

"My need for perfection only got worse as I got older. Secondary school brought new challenges: I was fighting with my sexuality and identity, as well as my declining mental health. I had no control over my own life, so I took control in other places and, unfortunatley, this included my eating and exercising habits. It got to the point where my daily routine was just a vicious cycle of destruction and self-sabotage. I was obsessed with myself and how others saw me."

"In 2018, I was put into counselling to help me with my suicidal thoughts, self-harm and anxiety. I decided not to mention my eating, because I was so sure I could handle it myself. I wouldn’t let it get too bad, I'd think, I can control this."

But this control, as you can imagine, decided to let loose:

"In the end I couldn't. I finished that lot of counselling feeling empty and guilty, like i’d wasted it, wasted their time, wasted my own. I’d not only let myself down, I'd let down those who loved me, but I couldn't stop. I was consumed by numbers and calories and I let myself fall further into the seemingly never ending void of self-hate." And yet, akin to a flower blooming in toxic soil, a sense of hope grew within this void:

"The worst of it was in late 2018, but it was also the beginning of recovery for me. In October, I saw my favourite band live, they had gotten me through so much over the past few years, and I was lucky enough to experience the music that saved me, live. I was alive. I wanted to be alive to experience more things like this. The day after the concert, I went to an eating disorder clinic, where I was given a meal plan and offered support."

"It took time. At first, I refused, I was still adamant I didn't need help, but with the support of my friends, I accepted it. At the beginning of 2019, I went to a new therapist, and this time, I let her help. I deserve to feel okay. I deserve to be alive. This year it’ll be two years since I started recovery, and it’s the best feeling I've ever felt." There was resistance in refusal and resistance in progression. With Immy's bravery, she has been able to realise her self-worth and what she deserves; as she said, she "deserves to be alive", and you do too. As Immy concludes below with her useful advice, remember that your body is a vessel that holds your soul, your purpose, your love and your presence:

"I still look in the mirror. I giggle at my ears and look after my skin, I relax my shoulders and I embrace my natural hair. My body allows me to do all the things I love, go to concerts, hug my friends, be alive. It does so much for me. The least I can do is look after it in return, because I am worth so much."

"If you take anything from this, please know you are loved and that you are valued. Recovery is a long road, but the best one you will ever take. Talk to someone, a friend, parent, counsellor, anyone. It will help, believe me."

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IMPORTANT: If you are going through the same, similar or worse scenario, you are not alone. Please be sure to seek help from professionals, family and/or friends. No one deserves to go through this-you are worthy enough. 

Visit https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/ today to get the professional help you need. They are the UK’s eating disorder charity, who exists to end the pain and suffering caused by eating disorders. They are a champion, guide and friend to anyone affected, giving individuals experiencing an eating disorder and their loved ones a place where they feel listened to, supported and empowered.

Now I'll leave you with this:

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