The Epiphany:

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Join me today with Lucy, a striving pharmacist, who has conflicted with her value of worthiness over the past three years to find her new confidence...

WARNING: This story includes self-harm, anorexia, depression, and suicide.

The Epiphany:

Lucy is a Norwegian, 17-year-old college student who was raised in Brighton. Throughout all her years at school, she was an erudite student who had no problems with making friends, achieving her desired school grades and competing in sport. Although, she soon came to find that she was missing a piece to her unique puzzle:

"Everyone seemed to have their little talent, their hobby, something that made them special. I took that and somehow interpreted it as I wasn't worthy of anything, which later escalated into 'Am I worthy of eating?'. At the start of year 10, 2016, I was bulimic and it gradually turned into anorexia. I felt the constant need to prove myself and I didn't feel worthy of love, acceptance, hugs, food, warmth and much more. It came to the point where I wouldn't sleep under my covers and I would hold my breath as I walked past a restaurant. It was horrible."

Horrible is an understatement of what Lucy endured. Like a mist, her lack of worthiness hung over her head, blocking all of the light that could have shone through. Not only did her suffering affect her physically, but also caused Lucy to suffer emotionally, mentally and spiritually:

"It was tiring. I was tired all the time. I couldn't sleep as it was so cold. I hadn't been to church at this point; I had no interest in whatever God was, I didn't believe in God at all! My self-confidence was super, super low and the worst part was that I wasn't just hurting myself, I was damaging those around me. I didn't care. My parents experienced all the agony I went through; my mum was sleeping in my bed for around a month just to make sure I was under the covers and not exercising."

"I had been to therapy for two years, put on antidepressants and I had been self-harming twice a day. Nothing was working. "

Lucy was dragging herself to her own grave. However, before closing the coffin, there seemed to be one last resort that could possibly end the painful deterioration:

"It was my mum who told me to go to the Easter service at church in 2018. It was our last hope. The 1st of April 2018 was the day I stopped self-harming and I have been clean ever since. That's what amazed me, it wasn't a gradual process (and for some people it is), but it was this instant heal and I felt so at home. This weight was lifted off my shoulders as I no longer had to prove myself through exercise or counting my calories-I felt worthy enough to do anything. It took time to accept this but it led me to understand why all of this had happened."

"It was like there was a cloud around my head before and as soon as I walked through that door, the cloud dispersed and I could see: what had happened, why it happened and why God let it happen to me. I used to think that 'Well if God loved me, why would he put me through this?' but I've now got an insight into what It's like as an almost-recovered survivor and I can now help other people."

As a consequence of all the hardship Lucy faced, she now has this spectacular cognizance of why this occurred in her life. We often find ourselves questioning with frustration as to why we have this suffrage in our lives, but as Lucy came to realize, it was a part of a much bigger plan for our evolved selves:

"I've experienced the pain and I'm now able to help others! I put stuff on my Instagram story about my suffering, and about 30-40 people have commented saying: 'You've helped me go outside with my scars', 'Wow, thank you for spreading eating disorder awareness'. I've been filled with this new confidence that God's given me and it's benefitting other people-that is why God put me through that. It's not a bad thing, it's an experience and God helped me get over that experience."

"I've been eternally grateful for God saving my life. I was extremely suicidal, I was seeing emergency CAMHS three times a week and now I've got this peace in myself. I'm not ashamed of my scars and my weight and I feel that I don't have to earn my place as God's child. His love is undying."

With her new confidence, eloquence, and consciousness, Lucy took the greatest leap into faith on the 10th of February 2019 and has flourished even more since that day:

"I got baptized and it was the most amazing experience. It just felt so good, I can't even put it into words. I felt so connected, so appreciated and so strong. I've been filled with this power to spread this positivity, when before, I couldn't. This pain has given me a purpose and the purpose is so much greater than the pain!"

"Life is eternal, so that small section of absolute intense, unbearable pain is so minuscule in comparison to all the good it's done. I really feel like I'm a part of the plan now."

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IMPORTANT: If you are going through the same, similar or worse scenario, you are not alone. Please be sure to seek help from professionals, family and/or friends. No one deserves to go through this-you are worthy enough. 

Visit https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/ today to get the professional help you need. They are the UK’s eating disorder charity, who exists to end the pain and suffering caused by eating disorders. They are a champion, guide and friend to anyone affected, giving individuals experiencing an eating disorder and their loved ones a place where they feel listened to, supported and empowered.

Now I'll leave you with this:

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