Unclipping the Wings

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Join me today with James, an intellectual and audacious teenager, who is just becoming comfortable amongst the uncomfortable...

Unclipping the Wings:

"I've always thought of myself as someone different. Not in a pretty, unique way, a way in which I thought in my head that the world was destined to pass me by. When you were as reserved as I was, it was easy to get passed off; having a talented older brother aided this in a lot of ways."

James is a 16-year-old, half Nigerian and half Zimbabwean teen, born and raised in a Christian household. Before the age of 13, he was highly aware of God's presence in his life and identified himself confidently as a Christian. However, this certainty would soon crumble as he started to board into secondary school:

"Soon after I turned 13, a lot of things took place that made me question who God was. What challenged me the most was why God would create us to serve him, and the best I could come up with is that God has a power complex. I knew this didn't sound right, or feel right, but I think I was so angry at God concerning just everything that it didn't bother me. As someone who thought that people didn't care about the inner workings of my life, I kept my questions (and conclusions) to myself." 

As James entered the new chapter of his life, he reached his complication. He was faced head-on with messy mendacity, initiating embedded insecurities:

"Flash-forward to the summer of 2018, I, at that point, thought I was living in freedom. In major hindsight, it was bondage. I was bounded to exercise, because it tied me to comparison, pride and selfish ambition. I was tied to self-help and aimless introspection that was rooted in misguided self-deterministic goals. Most of all, I felt so utterly lonely. In my mind, no-one understood me. I tried meditation, and at this point, I had tried to reconnect with God. However, I decided to accept that God didn't care about me that much. I was bound so much to the way I was, that I would reason with myself in my head, and often out loud."

Entangled in knots, James was in a desperate fight with his self-deprecation. His looming thoughts was driving him insane, and he was at the end of his rope on it! It wouldn't be until he reached a Christian camp that optimism would start to break up this never-ending conflict:

"I had the opportunity to go to 'Soul Survivor' with my home church, alongside my older brother. I think for me there was a glimmer of hope that wished that something might happen, but I distinctly remember that I had a specific version in which it would all happen-my dedication to myself would make me a hero."

"On the first morning, a speaker called Tim Ross talked during the service about isolation, and it was like a friendly punch in the gut. It couldn't be more directly aimed towards me, and Tim asked everyone experiencing isolation to come to the front. I had a choice. I could stay where I was and pray quietly, or I could simply take the leap of faith."
 
"By my calculations, it was much safer to just stay put, and so I did just that. I got onto my knees, and I just vaguely remember asking something along the lines of, 'God, I've been alone for so long, and I hate it. I pray I wouldn't feel so isolated.' And before long, I was in a full mess of tears. My brother comforted me in a major way, and I'd felt closer to him than I ever had in my life. The peace of God just seemed to rest on me and I felt a freedom that I'd never felt before."

At this moment, it was almost as if James' wings had just been unclipped. He was free. All the fears and tears transformed into ecstatic cheers, for a new page in his unique book was turned:

"After the service was over and over the next 2 full days, (where usually my brain would be on fire due to the constant arguing and chattering emerging from my mind)...there was no chatter. Just silence. It's a peace that remains unrivalled debatably to this day. I had a realisation of all the silly things that my isolation had convinced me of, and I was truly happy."

"At the end of the week, some of the older youth members in my brother's year asked our youth group how God had met us during the week, and I distinctly remember telling people about how God had released me from my isolation. And for the first time, though I was a bit terrified and hesitant at first, it was so liberating."
 
"After 'Soul Survivor' ended, I first decided to take God seriously, and I searched Tim Ross up, wanting to hear more from him. Over the last year, I have heard so many different pastors, and God has continued to change me and my life since then. I am nowhere near the broken person I was this time last year."

This optimism, however, would soon be shadowed by an evil dissatisfaction:

"As I attended 'Soul Survivor 2019', I clung onto the ideology of being a "proper" practising Christian and I felt that I wanted to let go and trust God, and my aim was for my faith to grow. However, as the 5 days went on, my worst fears came true: my feelings of isolation had returned. I was surrounded by the people that love and support me, yet I couldn't appreciate it because I felt I was just too different. On what was probably the 3rd of 5 nights, I entered the late-night worship. A few months prior, I had been asking God for meaningful, spirit-filled friends. However, in my view, it came to no avail. I spent that night for about 1/2 an hour just processing life with God, about how I was on the cusp of giving up trying."

Despite being surrounded by a positive group of friends, it soon turned into a cage. The newly-free bird was trapped again in a familiar battle...but this would turn into a shocking epiphany: 
 
"In desperation and great revelation, I realised I'd never asked God to be my friend before. The notion was so alien to me; how can someone I can't see be my friend? I now see in hindsight that this was God answering my prayer concerning faith; I didn't trust God because I wanted him to be tangible. After a full breakdown on my own and asking God to be my friend (trust me, it wasn't pretty.), I wiped my eyes and just contemplated for a bit. It was a good release, but unlike the isolation talk, I didn't feel that much less alone. However, I was determined concerning my faith, and that week during Soul Survivor, anything remotely concerning me I went up for prayer for." 

"I didn't want the fear that paralysed me the year before dominating me in the same way ever again. I'm now so glad that I did, for I am now continuing to see the fruition of that prayer in my life today, with certain prophecies and insights motivating me daily. Whilst I didn't see a direct improvement in my isolation immediately, it was over last year I most obviously felt less alone. In more recent months and even weeks, I have seen a trajectory of togetherness I've never felt in my life before."

With the enemy depleted, foreign gratitude walks with James even today. After becoming independent of his past, he can now identify the very small things that make life a lot easier: 
  
"A large part of this for me was community. I thank God for my church for simply being so accepting of me and everyone and their flaws; they all motivated me to want to help others and pray for others, and focus less on myself. As a consequence, I now embrace my uniqueness, not as something that quarantines me, but that makes me and others valuable to God's kingdom. I now have great friends and spiritual partners-being in their presence, receiving advice and warmth is priceless. I (try to) daily thank God for their lives."

"I want to make clear that I'm far far far from perfect. Taking God seriously didn't make me the superhero I first thought, and taking the plunge to be vulnerable in a meaningful way is still scary to me. But, I believe that when God prompts us at the right time to do so (which is more often than we acknowledge), we should act in faith and be vulnerable in this way." 

A well deserved happiness. James can now indulge on the very fruits God planted for him from the very beginning. In fact, he is embracing his perfect imperfections and the image God made him to be, blessing us with a short prayer and some mindful advice:
 
"There's so much that I could question now. I often think that it's easy for a person like me to now say that I’m okay because I now have those people in my life, but in all honesty, if they all left, I wouldn't stop serving God, as hard as it would be. I had to go through so many hours of prayer, and tears and pain to be the person I am today, and I'm not even that impressive. God does the work to often make me look so, and I'm so grateful that God wishes to use all of us in such a way. God has transformed my life for over 2 years, and I'm sure he will continue to do so, but I want to do more and serve more and know more. I'm going to try my best to ask God what he wants me to do, and to go at his pace rather than my own."

"I pray that you would search for God in your own life. God knows the inner workings of your life, and you're unique. Because of this, comparison will get you nowhere. If you want guidance, however, we find great guidance in the Bible."

"I would suggest starting in a place such as Romans in the Bible in the NLT or The Message, and just see what God has already done for you. Find others who wish to pursue God, and have conversations about him and scripture, and pray about your life and others. And if you dedicate yourself, and detach yourself from putting God on an hourglass, and just let go, I promise he will change your life."

"God Bless. ❤️"

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