An Open Case

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Join me today with George, a comedic high-school graduate, who has tumbled down the valleys of his confusion with his own identity...

WARNING: This story includes suicide.

An Open Case:

George is a British, 17 years old who was raised in a loving home for the majority of his life. Likewise to every family, it had its occasional problems. Love, in abundance of amounts, was constant within George's household; so his gender exploration was never an issue for them. However, this overwhelming love wouldn't be so generous as George entered the outside world, of which one distinct moment showed that the absence was clear:

"It was around October 2017 when it first hit me. I was walking down one of the school's staircases with my freshly cut, short hair when two kids in the year below started mumbling to each other, 'Is that a boy or a girl?'.That's when everything fell because all I could think was,'I don't know.'. I'd never really felt like a boy or a girl, I just felt like me."

This spun webs of confusion, complication, and fear; fear of which would pierce through every vein and pulsate through his bloodstream. It was too much:

"I attempted suicide the day before 'Mental Health Awareness Day'...I know, ironic right? I thought my life would be too hard if I was transgender, that I would never get a job, that no one would love me-that my whole life would consist of constant bullying and harassment. I decided I'd rather die than live that kind of life."

"Of course that's not reality, not to that extent at least, but as a scared teen, struggling with internalized transphobia, it is what I honestly believed."

Additionally, George struggled with his deficiency of the "classic story" every trans person seemed to have. It seemed that everyone he knew or had heard of had known right from the start, or started seeing premature signs towards the birth of their current identity:

" 'I only played with boys toys', 'I only had boy-friends', 'I knew as soon as I found the right word' and all of that stereotypical stuff surrounded me. For me, my story was very different. I didn't know from the start, it's not something I thought about. I played with dinosaurs and Barbies, I was friends with boys and girls and I knew about the word trans before I even started secondary school. I spent a long time in denial because of this difference. I thought that because my story wasn't like there's, that I wasn't really trans and that I was just confused."

Before the webs of confusion became too thick to escape, George worked up the courage to tell his close friends (firstly, his trans friends). To his astonishment, they took it very well and then he told his story to a few others. A burden was lifted, one of which he no longer had to struggle with on his own anymore...

...but this feeling was only temporary:

"One of my ex-friends decided it would be a good idea to involve the entire school. I doubt they had any bad intentions, but they should have known that is was my secret to tell, not theirs."

"Although everyone was supportive, all of the following 'so what are you('s)' and 'what do we call you('s)' were too fast and too much, so I went back into my cave and acted as if nothing ever happened. Whenever someone asked, I would reply with, 'no I'm still a girl' or 'I was just confused'."

Consequently, George dropped out of school and stopped showing up to lessons-it would be lucky to see him attending one lesson a week. He started seeing a therapist and coping with this on his own. It seemed that this web finally had a tight grip onto him, but slowly, the anticipating light started to shine through:

"It took a long time for me to open up, but the world became a brighter place when I did. I started to confide in my mother, which helped an awful lot. Shortly after, therapy became easier and I finally began to get better as it helped me to understand a lot more about myself."

"At first, my mother was convinced that I felt the way I did because I lacked a male figure in our household; due to my dad's mental health issues. I had to take up the parental role when visiting him with my younger sister, so I had subconsciously developed a sort of 'alter ego' of a father figure, which was confusing for me in the terms of gender. It was a good theory, and whether or not it had any effect is still a mystery. One thing I'm certain of is that, with the help of therapy, my mother and I have learned to accept the possibility that I simply am who I am, regardless of my past."

It was estimated that, a year later, George returned to a local LGBT+ club under his new name but full of fear. However, with his mother's conviction, he retained the hopeful mindset, set his head on the potential, positive outcome and stored the harmful comments regarding other members that he had heard about the first time he went. Despite his departure from the club, he came back owning his new attitude:

"I have returned with a huge 'who gives a sh*t' attitude, so if anyone dares to try and push me a step back after how far I've come, they wouldn't leave without the biggest fight of my life."

"As of right now, I still don't know what I am, and, of course, that whole thing still scares me. But, now I know that life is too short to spend it worrying about the possible future. I'm going to live in the moment, not in the past or future, just right now. As of right now, you're reading this, and I'm feeling really happy about it, so the whole 'what am I?' business is still an open case. It may still be a problem, but there's one thing for certain: I know who I am, and who I am is f*cking awesome."

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IMPORTANT: There are many misconceptions about therapy, some of which George beautifully explained to me which I'd love to share:

1. Therapy isn't going to cure you, it just helps you understand yourself better so that you can find your way of healing.
2. Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better; sort of like cutting out an infection before the wound can heal over.
3. Therapy doesn't do everything for you. You need to climb that mountain yourself! All they do is give you some wood in the hope you'll make a ladder.

Now I'll leave you with this:

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